The pressure to “settle” early
For so much of our early years, we’re fed the same message: once we’re settled – in a relationship, in a home, in a career – then (and only then) will we be happy.
That’s the end goal, right? That’s what we’re all striving for.
To be settled. Comfortable. Safe.
During my twenties, this thought actually stressed me out. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it sometimes utterly consumed me.
Even at the baby age of 21, when I went on a nine-month backpacking trip around the world, I loved every second, but in the back of my mind, I still thought, “Once I’ve done this, it’ll be out of my system, and I’ll be ready to settle.”
Buying my first home (and realising it wasn’t “it”)
At 27, I bought my first home- a small apartment in my hometown. Let me tell you, I was so chuffed with myself! Many of my girlfriends had already married or were at least in relationships, some even with babies.
I had always been hideously unlucky in love (in hindsight, it was total luck that I didn’t end up stuck with any of them!) but THIS was a life milestone I could be proud of. I’d done something big, notable… the first of my friends to buy their own home (with no help from my parents, I might add). Wahoo!
I lived there for eight months.
Eight. Months.
And then I thought, is this it?
Live in my hometown forever? Have no new experiences? Drink in the same pub, with the same people, day in and day out?
No. I needed to go. Now.
Taking risks and moving… again
I packed my car to the brim and moved down to the coast. I’d got a new job, built a new life, made lifelong friends, and learned the lesson that big risks often come with the biggest rewards.
This is where I turned 30 – never been so drunk in my life, and pretty sure I snogged a random guy in front of my brother (cringe).
My family and friends celebrated with me, but deep down, I felt like such a failure. Still single. No man to love me or spoil me on this milestone birthday.
Looking back, I feel sad for that version of me. Her priorities were so skewed.
London, love, and lessons learned
Restlessness hit again, and I moved to London. My friends laughed- “You’re moving again?”
I was 30, still single, and honestly panicked about it. I was on the apps, going on endless dates, but nothing stuck. I thought once I met “the one,” everything would fall into place.
So, I tolerated shitty behavior from mediocre men, growing more desperate, feeling my confidence slowly disappearing as I was thinking, “there must be something wrong with me.”
Eventually, I met someone who was actually pretty perfect for me. We were happy, totally in love, and we had a great relationship.
But despite this, I quickly realised: I have the man now, but I don’t suddenly feel complete. Nothing magically aligned. Nothing is “done.”
Fuck. Maybe I got this wrong.
Because here’s the truth… the goalpost always moves. Happiness doesn’t come from hitting milestones, it has to come from within YOURSELF.
Loss, perspective, and a wake-up call
When that relationship ended (that’s a story for another day), I was 35, living in London, with a great job and amazing friends. But I knew, this is not it.
I’d lost my darling mum a few years earlier, and a dear childhood friend soon after. The grief was a shovel to the face- this is actually it. We get one shot at this life. You think you have all the time in the world. You don’t.
And yet, society expects us to decide everything in our twenties- where we’ll build our home, how we’ll earn money for the next 50+ years, whose face we’ll wake up to every single day, ‘til death do us part.
In your twenties, you think you know it all (I certainly did). Later, you realise you knew nothing.
As they say, youth is wasted on the young. Ain’t that the truth!
Why your 30s are the best time to stay unsettled
Now, at 37, I truly believe your thirties are the best decade to live wild and unsettled.
You’re more confident. You (hopefully) have a little more money. You’ve got a few big life experiences under your belt and maybe even learned a lesson or two.
This is the PERFECT time to explore, try new things, feel new feelings. You will appreciate every experience so much more, and it will shape you in ways you couldn’t imagine.
Of course, as women, we’re aware of the ticking clock if we want children. But ask yourself this: are you staying put, hoping to meet someone, while the rest of your life passes you by?
What makes you think you wouldn’t meet the love of your life at a beach party in Rio, a café in Madrid, or a yoga retreat in Bali? What if living unsettled opened a door to a completely different life- one you’d never dreamed of?
Run free. Settled life can wait.
Living wildly unsettled in your thirties could give you a whole new perspective. It might lead you down a completely different path.
Don’t just do what everyone else is doing!
Run free. Be wild. Settled life will always be there if you want to return to it.
*Side note, this is absolutely not limited to your thirties – adventure awaits in your forties, fifties, and beyond!
The important thing to note is, the time to be happy is NOW, not when…
