Today is my birthday, I’m turning 38! If ten years ago someone had told me I would be reaching my late thirties and STILL not be married, I think I would’ve given up right then and there.
It’s funny how when you’re a kid, you just want to be older as quickly as possible- like the movie BIG, with Tom Hanks (if you haven’t seen it, what have you been doing??). He wished to be a grown-up and at first it was great, staying up late, eating whatever he wanted, no one telling him what to do! But before long, he wished to be a kid again… sound familiar??
When you’re a teenager, you’re convinced you’re already an adult, and you think you know everything. You just want the freedom to live your own life and make your own decisions! Then your 20s arrive and you’re out there living your best life, trying to figure everything out with absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, but age doesn’t matter at all. Not until it suddenly does.
The bottom line is, when you’re younger, getting older is GREAT! Each birthday is one step closer to the dream that is adulthood! Freedom!
Or so we thought…
The first time age hits you
For me, it started around 26. That creeping feeling of “oh crap, is that 30 I see in the not so distant future??” Suddenly, there’s pressure from everywhere. Pressure to meet someone, pressure to date properly, pressure to climb the career ladder, and figure out your entire life. Pressure you put on yourself because everyone else seems to be doing something you’re not.
In the blink of an eye, my 30th Birthday arrived – it was an amazing celebration with my family and friends, and of course, I got absolutely shitfaced beyond recognition. In fact, I was so trashed I couldn’t even remember my address when getting a taxi home,and my housemate found me in the corridor and had to literally drag me to my bed. I’m also pretty sure I snogged some random guy while sitting next to my brother… not ideal.
I was sort of excited to turn 30, but mostly I just felt really sad that I was reaching this milestone age, still single. I was embarrassed about it. Ashamed, even. I had so many people celebrating me and my life, but I still felt like, because I didn’t have a man whisking me away somewhere to make it “special,” I was somehow a total failure.
Which is completely insane when I think back now, because I had done so much in my 20s! I travelled the world. I pushed my career further than I ever expected. I bought my own home, all by myself. Moved to a new city and built a life there. But still, I felt like I hadn’t achieved the one thing I was convinced mattered, which was finding a man. I genuinely thought that was the epitome of success!
Growing into my 30s
I can’t tell you how different I feel now. In my early 30s, I still felt a lot of sadness and shame about being single- I definitely felt panicked about it. Then, for a few years, I was in a lovely relationship where I proved to myself that I can be loved, and that I am still capable of loving someone. What a relief!
And now, as I enter my late 30s (I think 38 officially counts as LATE 30s!), I feel so much more content. I’m still learning, still making improvements to myself, still figuring out what I want to do next and where I’m going. But I live so much more in the present now- the life I’ve chosen forces me to! I very rarely think too far ahead because I’ve learned that you can’t predict the future. You can make plans, but almost always life takes you somewhere completely different! Don’t get me wrong, goals are great, but I don’t cling to them in the same desperate way I used to.
When loss changes everything
A lot of the fear around ageing disappears when you’ve experienced real loss.
When my mum died, she had just turned 65. She had so much she still wanted to do, and she spent so much of her life waiting. Waiting for retirement, waiting for the right moment, thinking she might be too old to make a big change. And then suddenly there was no time left at all.
I also lost a very dear friend who was only 34. That really changed me. I remember thinking fuck… this really is going to happen to all of us, and it could happen any time.
Before this, every birthday felt heavy. A bit of dread, a bit of sadness, a bit of fear about getting older.
But now, every birthday, I wake up and say “yesss, I’m so lucky I made it another year!”
How I celebrate getting older now
Every year on my birthday, I take myself out for a coffee or a walk or to the beach (depending on where I am in the world!) I sit by myself and reflect on the last year. What did I achieve? What were my best bits? What did I learn? What would I like to do differently?
And then I celebrate. I celebrate how lucky I am to still be here. To have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward to. I make the most of it while I can because the alternative to getting older is not being here at all, and that perspective changes everything!
Spending time feeling depressed and complaining about getting older feels like such an injustice to the people who wanted to keep living, but couldn’t. If they could come back for one more year, they wouldn’t be worrying about wrinkles or the number on a cake, or crying because they hadn’t reached certain milestones! They’d be living, experiencing, travelling, being kind, and squeezing every drop out of the time they had.
Stop giving a fuck about what everyone else is doing, or what you think you should have achieved by a certain age! Who made up all these rules anyway?
That’s what I’m trying to do now- follow my own timeline and rules.
Ageing doesn’t mean feeling old
Don’t get me wrong, ageing physically can be pretty shit. I remember finding my first grey hair – I think I was 29- and I wanted to cry. I colour my hair and I do have a bit of Botox in my forehead, nothing else right now, but maybe one day I’ll try more… a little tweak here and there. I don’t mind looking my age- I just don’t want to look older than I am. When it comes to cosmetic procedures, to each their own, I say!
There are so many women ageing beautifully. A face with lines is a face with stories! We shouldn’t be afraid of that.
I’m working so much harder on my fitness and strength now, too, because I want a strong, mobile body that will carry me through the years ahead. I want to look after myself and appreciate what I have.
Getting older and ageing are not the same thing! Don’t just accept that things start falling apart as the years pass- there’s so much you can do to age well… like a delicious, desirable wine.
Try this on your next birthday
If you’re feeling down about getting older, try this. Instead of panicking or comparing yourself to everyone else, sit with yourself and think about everything you did this year. Everything you survived. Everything you learned.
Say “yes, I made it. I got to live another year. I’m lucky to still be here!”
Move your body and appreciate your health. What can you do to keep feeling good?
Then ask yourself, what will I do with this next year? What will I see? What will I experience?
It’s exciting. All of it. And the fact you’re still here to feel any of it is something worth celebrating!
I am not afraid of getting older anymore, and neither should you be.
Be the sexy, delicious wine.
